Why did you have to be so right!!!???

“You’re always trying to please everyone, that’s why I don’t really know if you like me. You might just be saying that but I want YOU to like me for yourself!” – Conscious Killer

The truth is I gave up who I wanted to be a long time ago. I always figured that by just pleasing everyone else I could also be making myself happy. Haven’t you ever just felt good about doing something or giving something to someone else?? Well, I thought that if I can’t do what makes me happy, I might as well make everyone else happy and live off that joyous feeling for a while!

The problem is; I actually became good at faking who I really was. Only just towards the end of last year and the beginning of this year, things have been falling apart and my true colours have been showing through. I needed to cover that up and get back on track as fast as possible. Nothing else mattered.

Now, I’m failing at pleasing everyone and I don’t know what to do anymore! Only YOU had me down! You knew me so well even when you were drunk!! I couldn’t have someone who had me so packed down when I was trying to please everyone else.

Are you happy??

You were right!!


Sincerely,


Rouge

I didn’t mean it...

Dear Conscious Killer,


You were right, my friends were wrong.

No one really knew you.

I had begun to like what you were becoming in my life... You were my protector for a while when I was falling apart.

It became too much and I was afraid. I didn’t mean to like you that much, I didn’t mean for you to like me that much.

I’m sorry but in the beginning I had only found it to be comforting.
...... I thought you were on the same page.

I was told that you would never really want to be in a relationship.

I know it was wrong but I thought it was ok if you were doing the same...

It’s over and I’m too ashamed to turn back. Everyone was trying to protect me but in the end it was you who needed looking out for.

I’m sorry,

I didn’t mean to hurt you; I didn’t mean to hurt me...


Sincerely,


Rouge

xxxxxx

The truth hurts....

"He's hasseling u alot more than he's doing good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - friend

Persuasive Letter To Self

To my dearest dearest girl Rouge,


Please, try not to talk to "Conscious Killer" too much tonight. He might try to call you but you are just going to have to ignore him. It is not fair that he wont let you do your work. "Girlfriend" may have been a little bit right. He is controlling and that just scares you with what else may or may not be right about him. And whats the deal?? Are you really going to take the risk and go out with him on Saturday or are you just doing these things to get away of whats really bothering you, your work, because I know thats what you set out to do at those parties!

There you go! Take a breather!! Try not to lose yourself!!!

Your reflection,

Rouge xxxx

Thaaat party!!

(This post is also part 2 of the last post "Motivation where are you?")

It was one of those parties that I knew no one would forget. As soon as I walked into the room I scoped the place looking to see where my nearest exists would be. Out of the something hundred people I saw that night I knew there was only one person I could trust. The one person that I knew wasn’t going to get drunk and act like a complete idiot.
Unfortunately, even these kinds of people know how boring that is! So eventually they end up leaving early and take my scapegoat along with them.

It went from the disaster I had pictured from the beginning, up until the point I ended up having so many drinks I didn’t give a f***. But of course I waited till everyone else was drunk thinking no one would remember how off my face I was.

Lets face it; i'm one of those people who get drunk and then start:

1.Laughing uncontrollably

2.Saying things I had never planned on telling other people and

3.I also tend to become a little ditsy, so to speak (OK, maybe A LOT ditsy). I get to the point where even I want to shut myself up!!


But as promised, the reason why I had lost my motivation:

While I was off my face, I met someone. Someone I always wished I had the courage to be more like. Well, as nice as it sounds, this someone was also digging a hole through my conscious with his non-stop questions.

Geeeezzz I never thought it would end!!

It was question after question AFTER QUESTION!!!

Boy did he love those questions!!!! And they never seemed to end!!!!!!!

Throughout the lengthy beginning of this party he was the first person I tried to avoid. It might have something to do with the stone cold look upon his face. I can never really tell why but this guy gives me the chills.

When I’m sober that is!

But when I was drunk well lets just say I was more than happy to answer all of his questions.

And to be honest, I had never answered any questions so truthfully before that it was killing me.

That is why I must give this guy a name; his name is (drum roll please!) “Conscious Killer”.

Ever since that day i've been unable to keep pretending who I am and who everyone aspires me to be. I just don’t want my life to result out of pitying others anymore because I just end up pitying myself. I want happiness. Who doesn’t? I have no idea if “Conscious Killer” really knows what he's doing with all these questions (because he sucks at trying to make a conversation)! But I tell you; he would make a really great counsellor!!

Someone should seriously tell him that.

Though it is NOT going to be me!! What? The guy freaks me out!!


Love you,

Rouge

P.S When I’m drunk I tend to tell people I love them. Thought you should know!

Motivation where are you??

I seem to have lost my motivation to finish any of my assignments it is quit difficult to find it when I seem to have lost completely all interest in the course that I’m studying. I have no idea what’s wrong with me lately but I seem to have a different perspective towards everything and everyone…

And I freakishly like the change!!

In fact I feel a little more impulsive than usual.

Which can’t be too healthy for the life I’ve already started building for myself.

I think I need a doctor!! *Confused look*

I can’t afford to have any more damage on my reputation…

Rouge

P.s I’ll explain the full story in my next post…

A little more ? OR A little less? You decide!

How can you tell the difference between logical and lateral thinking?
Is it ok to only want the little things in life, or is that just being selfish to those around you? OR could you just simply be getting tired of who you are, and grabbing onto what you already know seems to be the easiest choice?

NO! None of these things are true! I’ve never believed one of these nor have I ever wanted to. This is because these are other people’s opinions scratching deep questions into the back of my mind.

WHEN WILL IT END!!

See, I’ve always believed that by sticking with the little things in life is where you will find the biggest breakthrough. I mean, that’s how most artists have worked their way to the top. That’s why most medium level families look so happy just to be together.

But then why does the “more train” keep paying me visits so frequently? It looks soo desirable that sometimes I allow it to stop right in front of my eyes where it purposely catches my glare.

I wonder, have you ever really seen those people on the “more train”? The ones with their eyes glued to the latest technology there is out there. Messaging back and forth to those who I can only assume to be their work colleges. Hey, why not? I mean, after all that’s who helped them buy their new phone, and that’s who else has one just like it. I can just imagine what their inbox looks like…
***
Boss: “Hi, did you get the new phone today? Try to come in early and I’ll show you how to add all our networks on to it. Its also real useful for emailing our clients.”

College/friend: Hey, mate you better hurry, the boss is making sure everyone is on time today. Aren’t these new phones great?? I’ve already emailed two clients from mine today. Oh and have you seen the new photo album caption they have on them??

Boss: “Oh and do you mind grabbing me a coffee on your way in. Thanks!! See you at work!!!”
***
I don’t blame them. They probably end up making some great acquaintances at their jobs. But I can’t help to wonder whether this “work hard party hard” scenario really works? Maybe it’s just not for me. I find it enduring but not healthy for ones wellbeing. Call me ignorant, but to work soo hard at something that at the end makes you drive so far off of the edge in order to catch up on the life you’ve missed, is quite… Well, daring, to say the least.

Where does the balance come into that?

It’s all fair to get excited over the latest phone that you can get your hands on faster than most people. But eventually even they become over used and boring.

Well, you can always go out and buy yourself a brand new suit or for the working man perhaps one of those over populated striped collar shirts??

Ironic isn’t it? The fact that they call them business shirts and they always come in bold busy patters?? Gee, I wonder if they are trying to get a point across, don’t you???

Have you ever looked at these shirts long enough to notice that your eyes tend to focus on only one of those colour of those lines, while the other just fades out somewhere in the back of your mind?

I guess that’s also how people’s lives become. Only following one path instead of balancing out the two. That’s why most people I know who succeed end up changing their jobs later on in their lives.

Later?

Is it possible to even live for later, if your not sure what’s around the corner?

Lets test that theory.

Until later,

Rouge!! xxxxoooxxxxooo